If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
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