at some point to night u and I have a 'meeting' too...(1-737): I hope so
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Randomize
