We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
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