6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
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