I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
