New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
Randomize
