That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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