Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
