What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
yeah it was kind of like, i'm 27 and still live in a frat house.. you honestly expect me to have "moral fiber" and a "conscience"
i just made my gag reflex go away.
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Randomize
