I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize