Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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