I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
Randomize
