Even the bartender felt bad for me
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize