I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
