just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
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