No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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