I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Who died my cat blue again?
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Randomize
