listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Randomize
