you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
