i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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