i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
