We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
Randomize
