I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
Randomize
