My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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