I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Damn I can't remmbre the last tome I had sobr sex
Um. I believe with my boyfriend, slut
Fuck. Wron person. But yea
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Randomize
