life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
