you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
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