it's like her boobs came off with her bra
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
Randomize
