yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
