17 year olds will be the death of me.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
