im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
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