Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
I'm up to 9 pic of different guys. I need 4 more boys and each one of the 13 to submit 3 additional pics. I wanna make a penis deck of cards.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Randomize
