On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
Randomize
