Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Randomize
