Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
My vagina just recognized that song.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Randomize