no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
that may or may not have been my penis.
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