Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Randomize
