last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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