guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
