I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
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