$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
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