Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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