I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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