i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
Damn victory sex feels great
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
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