the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
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