so craigslist just dropped their "erotic services" ads. there goes our livelyhood
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Randomize
