I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
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