At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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