I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
Randomize
