DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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