If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
Fuck appropriateness.
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Randomize