How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Randomize