i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
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