You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
