and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
