Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
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