he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Randomize
