one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
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