He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
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