Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
Randomize