David Carradine died? Should I be thinking about this 10 min before my interview?
Haha just ref him when they ask a questin about kung fu which they will since ur Asian
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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