I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
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