I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
